MARRIAGE AND SOUL EXPLORATION

Circle of Love

Where there is love, there is peace.

Where there is peace, there is serenity.

Where there is serenity, there is compassion.

Where there is compassion, there is forgiveness.

Where there is forgiveness, there is harmony.

Where there is harmony, there is enlightenment.

Where there is enlightenment, there is unity.

Where there is unity, there is love.

Once I got married, I started to feel more settled down and my living situation was more permanent.  I was done worrying of looking around for a good mate or whether I would ever find one.  It felt so good to settle down with someone whom I love and relish this wonderful companionship.  We were also very fortunate to live in a central location, which made exploring culture and community events easy.  As I took in information from meetings about alternative natural treatments and spirituality, I explored these areas that were discussed.  I was a seeking and lost soul looking for enlightenment and peace.

 

By the end of February of 1985, I moved out of the rooming house a few weeks before my wedding.  I had two men, Bob and an acquaintance, Bill, from my Toastmasters group, helped me move by carrying out cartons and transporting them to Kris’ condo.  Just a few weeks earlier, I helped Bill move from his house to one in another area in Seattle.  All of my belongings were able to fit easily into both cars, so only one trip was required from each helper.

Shortly after I moved my friend Barbara whom I met at the Washington Protection and Advocacy System hosted a bridal shower for me at her apartment close to the Ballard neighborhood in Seattle.  Prior to the party, I made out a short list of women to be invited.  Most of the guests were also from WPAS–Katie, Parul, Laura, and Mary.  Kris’ mother also came and drove me home.

At work there was another shower for me.  Shortly after I arrived at the cafeteria, I was called into the small production office.  A secretary told me that I had a form to fill out and she began to look for it.  As I walked back to my work area, I heard a chorus of “Surprise!”  On one stainless steel table was a big pile of gifts that my co-workers put out while I was at the office on the pretend business that hid me from the action.  On another table next to the gifts was a fruit platter.  Since they knew that I wouldn’t eat cake and the party was in my honor, they wanted to prepare food that I could eat.

Since there were so many presents, from a pool of about thirty people, I wasn’t able to take them all home with me on the bus.  It would have taken at least a week to take all of them.  We put them away in the storage room until I could move them after we come back from our wedding.  Luckily one young woman who had a pickup truck offered to take me home with my gifts, so I could take them all in one trip.

 

In March of 1985, Kris and I flew to Maryland for the week of our wedding.  It was a lot easier for us to travel east than it would be for all of my family to come west, especially since they were the ones to organize the wedding.  We chose this time of the year to get married for the beginning of the spring weather and when it was the easiest for Kris and I to take time off from work.  We allowed a few days before the event to spend time with family and to get over the jet lag.

The evening before our big day, the close family members had the rehearsal dinner at a fine restaurant.  They too had flown from Seattle for the wedding.  Their youngest son, Kris’ brother who was finishing up his senior year at the Air Force Academy, was able to attend to be the best man.  On March 22, 1985, Kris and I got married at the courthouse in Rockville, Maryland.  With our interfaith backgrounds, a non-religious ceremony worked the best.

I was dressed up in a lovely white party dress made of satin and chiffon, a white hat with a veil down to my shoulders, white pattern leather sandals, and a white leather shoulder purse.  My mother had purchased them for me since I trusted her taste.  Though the dress wasn’t a traditional wedding dress with its greater simplicity, it was very elegant.  I liked the idea that the dress was practical enough to wear at other parties rather than for just one time.  I felt very special wearing the outfit.  Kris wore a basic dark blue/black suit with a matching vest.  Kris put the wedding band of 18-carat gold on my finger that was from his maternal grandmother.

At the courthouse we had a small group of close family members that included my in-laws, parents, stepfather and his daughters, my siblings and nieces.  Even though Kris and I had gone with each other for almost a year and a half we were both very nervous, as we signed the papers, of the big change in our relationship that would affect the rest of our lives.  Both of us were still very confident we were making the right decision.  We wanted very much for our marriage to always remain stable.

The next day after I showed Kris and his folks around the museums in Washington, D.C. and we had a reception with a sit-down meal and a live band at the Holiday Inn Hotel.  On Saturday evening we had enough time for the New Yorkers to drive down, or take the train or go sightseeing.  We had dancing in which Kris and I participated a little bit.  About a hundred people attended, including Kris’ sister’s in-laws who just happened to have visited the area at that time.

Following our wedding and reception, Kris and I spent two nights at a motel that was only about a half of a mile away from my mother’s townhouse.  Besides, there wasn’t enough space for us to stay with my folks as other relatives, such as my brother and stepsisters, slept there.  In the mornings, we went on walks and back to my mother’s for breakfast and for the day.  We didn’t have enough time for a real honeymoon since we needed to get back to Seattle.

When we arrive at the Sea-Tac International Airport, Kris’ older brother who wasn’t able to attend our wedding picked us up.  When we arrived home and went upstairs to our bedroom there was a surprise waiting for us.  On our full-sized bed was a quilted bedspread that Kris’ sister-in-law had made.  Terry sneaked into our place to make our bed and placed a note on the bed that said, “Sweet Dreams Tonight”.  She had obtained our keys for the occasion.

We were able to bring all of our wedding gifts home since most of them were money that fitted nicely in an envelope, though we took the bulkier items in cardboard boxes.  We had received a few things, such as a salad bowl set, coffee maker, candy dish, and a honey bowl.  Even some of friends and relatives who weren’t able to attend had send gifts to us.

Thanks to the generosity of people, we had enough money to fix our place up with new furniture and more storage.  We had bought a new sofa with a hide-a-bed to replace the old one with a torn fabric in the front and a chest of drawers for my clothes.  In addition, my father-in-law had ordered kitchen cupboards and installed them in the bar area adjoining the kitchen and some upstairs in the bedroom and next to the bathroom for extra storage.  We hung one directly over my drawing table to store my art supplies.  The others were used for our bed linens and towels.  With two of us crammed in a one-bedroom unit, we needed them.

Shortly after we were home from our trip, I planned an open house to invite every one from my cafeteria to show appreciation for all the gifts I had received.  I also had Kris invite people from his office.  I made the invitations to be posted on the wall in our work places.  Only a few people had showed up, Dani and Martha from my food service contacts and two woman from Kris’ work at Social Security.  It was still a nice size gathering, given the small amount of space and limited parking.

It was nice for Dani and her mother to come over to see where we lived since they had never been to our place before.  After they had stayed for a little while, two friendly women from the Social Security Teleservice Center came for a short visit.  One of them had hit it off very well with me in certain common interests, such as nutrition and physical fitness.  Ina who was middle aged was into healthy eating and walking.  I was impressed since most of the fellow workers from the office ate the standard high-fat unhealthy American food and lead sedentary lives.  We talked about my lifestyle with my low-fat/ high fiber vegetarian diet and regular exercise program with walking and hiking.

It was just as well that we didn’t get too many people from my cafeteria since they probably would be disappointed with the food.  Even though I had good intentions, my homemade brown rice balls, potato salad, and coleslaw along with turkey and dressing wouldn’t measure up to what they tend to be used to–fast food.

A few weeks later in early May of 1985 when the weather was very nice in the Puget Sound area, friends of my in-laws hosted a wedding reception for us at their home to celebrate our marriage with friends and relatives who didn’t get a chance to go to our wedding.  It was there that I first met some of my in-laws, such Kris’ aunt (his father’s sister) with her husband and their son.  Chairs and tables with umbrellas were set up to eat out in the lovely backyard of their house in the north Kirkland area on the Eastside.  I was asked to invite a few friends and family.  Katie and Duane, and my brother came.  It was fun meeting friends and old-time neighbors that my in-laws had known for many years.

 

During the last week of May, Kris and I flew to Colorado Springs, Colorado to attend the graduation of Kris’ younger brother from the Air Force Academy.  Ivan (III) had earned a degree in astronautical engineering with aspirations of becoming an astronaut.  There were festivities with marching bands almost all week.  We had a family reunion of all of my immediate in-laws.  It was there that I first met some of them–Kris’ sister with her husband and two children (daughter and son).  It had been very seldom that Kris had gotten together with all of his siblings–a sister and two brothers–due to geographical reasons.

We all stayed in a motel, located in a small town of Monument, which was about twenty miles north of Colorado Springs.  Whenever we had some free time during the day, I went out for long walks to explore the area.  Some of the time Kris came with me if he didn’t need to rest.  In town we browsed a few gift and antique shops.  Sometimes we saw a few people who set up produce stands from their pickup trucks that added to the small town feel.

We also spent a few days sightseeing the area with relatives.  We toured historical sights in Mannitou Springs, such as Cliff Dwellings primitive homes and caves.  We visited a major national park, the Garden of the Gods.  I had brought along my camera and took pictures of flowers, natural scenery, and the marching cadets during the graduation ceremonies.  I hardly took any pictures of Kris and his side of the family.  Once during our trip I had someone shoot Kris and me.

 

When we came back home from our wedding, I began to eliminate jogging entirely from my physical fitness program.  I had heard reports that brisk walking is just as effective for the heart and physical conditioning as jogging or running without the increased jarring of the joints.  The constant pounding on the pavement and concrete could lead to a greater number of joint problems of the knee and shin splints.  Even though, I was fortunate enough not to develop such challenges, I wanted to prevent them.  Besides walking was much more comfortable, though it tends to burn fewer calories than running.  I was influenced when Bob, an avid runner for over fifteen years, messed up his knee.

Ever since I had moved to so close to downtown Seattle where there was a great concentration of commercial areas, I began to do my walking in Renton after work.  Even though Renton contained industrial areas, such as Boeing where my job was, it also had a wider spread of residential areas that were nicer for walking.  It was the flexibility of several bus routes that ran regularly throughout the day that made it possible for me to venture farther away without having to come back for the bus.

One of my favorite places to walk was the Gene Coulon Park on Lake Washington.  I enjoyed watching ducks and geese leading their chicks on both water and land, especially during spring when many of the births take place.  I went on the paved bike trail that ran from the swimming area to about two miles along the lake.

Some other afternoons I walked up the hill, on the main road by Boeing, to the Renton Highlands.  Sometimes I walked on a road that went along the lake to Kennydale (north Renton community) and some of the side streets.  I enjoyed the views of the water and going by nice homes.  It was also a good steady incline to provide a good workout in addition to the steep hill I went up from downtown Seattle.  Occasionally during late spring when the weather was very nice, I ventured miles further than usual, close to Lake Kathleen and a few smaller lakes and the Renton Vocational Institute. I felt very invigorated during and after a long walk.

Occasionally when I had some browsing and shopping in downtown Renton, I walked in the opposite direction over a mile from my cafeteria.  At the health food store, I had picked up some good deals from their bargain bins and the monthly complimentary magazines on nutrition with advertised specials.  I also liked to browse the antique shops through out the town.

One day as I was approaching Gene Coulon Park, a young woman from my cafeteria stopped to offer me a ride on her way home north of Kennydale.  Even though I didn’t need a ride especially since she didn’t go to Seattle, I took her offer so I could explore other neighborhoods close by which were too far to walk from Boeings.  I knew that wherever I ended up there would be a bus that I could take to Seattle.

 

Once a month I did the bulk of my grocery shopping at the Puget Consumers Co-op Kirkland store to take advantage of the monthly specials on the bulk foods and a few specialty items.  It was a straight shot going by bus from Renton Boeing along the state highway, #405, to Kirkland.  When I was done shopping, it was a straight shot home by bus to Seattle.  For my other shopping, such as toiletries, fresh produce, and fish, the neighborhood Thriftway Store and the Pike Place Market were good and saved me time.  The market was a forerunner in bringing the more exotic varieties of fruits and vegetables to the public.  I purchased about a dozen varieties of white fish along with salmon to try.

Since the mid eighties, I had joined the Well Mind Association (WMA) that promotes nutritional and other natural approaches for treatments of mental illness and other disorders.  This organization arose out of the dissatisfaction of how schizophrenia was treated excessively with drugs without getting to the root causes.  Even though autism is entirely different from mental illness, the basic premise of WMA of healing through the more natural means would be equally applicable for my condition.

I had attended several annual symposiums and monthly meetings.  I enjoyed very much the ten newsletters a year with the in depth scientific facts on the brain chemistry, metabolism, and pathology, the politics on food, supplement regulations, alternative medicine, and articles on nutrition.  I read about sensitivities and environmental toxicity.  It was helpful to be informed of the latest research in those areas to learn what foods and chemicals to avoid and what changes I needed to make to improve my health and mental outlook.

One of the things that had a major influence upon me was the research on the Candida Albicans yeast infestation in the body.  It appeared to be a common occurrence and implicated in weakened immune systems that led to greater sensitivities to food and the environment.  Perhaps, this could be the root cause of my reactions to things that could be manifested in autism.  I also identified with some of the symptoms of the yeast overgrowth–mild depression, low energy levels, and lapses of brain function, food sensitivities, and digestive problems.  Even though I had already improved my diet I felt that I needed to do more.

I attended a few special monthly meetings with potluck dinners for people with food allergies or sensitivities.  We met at the home of a nutritionist, a member of WMA, who had food and chemical sensitivities herself.  Sally Rockwell had her monthly newsletter, Allergy Alert, inserted with the WMA publication for a while until it wasn’t permitted for the combined mailing.

During the fall of 1984, I purchased a small cookbook, Coping with Candida by Sally Rockwell, with the basics of the anti-yeast diet and recipes that are compatible with the plan.  It was available at the monthly support meetings.  I wanted a basic guidebook to refer to as I tried to follow the diet.  Besides, I enjoyed trying out some interesting recipes such as wheat-free crackers made of ground flax seed and a nut loaf. 

By end of November of 1984, with only several months before my wedding, I began the anti-Candida diet with hopes of starting my married life as a healthier person.  I eliminated all foods based on yeasts and molds–breads, cheeses, and vinegar and reduced consumption of carbohydrates–grains, fruits, and sugar.  It was challenging to stay on it, since the “caveman diet”, with large amounts of meat and nuts, had never suited me well.  Nevertheless, being in food service I needed a great deal of willpower to resist the forbidden food where my remaining choices became even more limiting–potatoes, vegetables, and V-8 vegetable juice.  I did cheat whenever I went to parties and had product samples in stores.

After being on the regimen for more than ten days I began to feel better.  I avoided the high carbohydrate foods that I often binged on.  I felt that I exerted greater control of myself by eating less.  By the end of February of 1985 when I had been on the diet for three months, I had lost over twenty pounds and became slim.  I was at my most ideal weight by my wedding in March.

After being on the program for three months I began to realize that I wasn’t making any overall progress in well being.  By the middle of winter I had increased fatigue and was drained of energy when I came home from work.  Sometimes I had muscular weaknesses and felt somewhat fluish and didn’t feel well enough to go to work.  This might have resulted from ketosis from not consuming enough carbohydrates.  It took me a few months to analyze how it worked for me and occurred to me that I wasn’t getting enough variety of food for good nutrition.  The better approach was to add back the wholesome foods such as fresh fruits and whole grains as long as I consumed them in moderation and avoid what I had been sensitive to–nuts, peanuts, coconut, dairy products, mustard, and corn.  I felt return of my strength and energy levels when I went off the diet that was too restrictive for my nutritional needs.  Though the “caveman” plan didn’t work well, despite my weight loss to a more ideal level, I had learned something valuable.

I tended to go off my diet at parties and ate anything I wanted.  Sometimes I paid for it by reacting to some of the things I had eaten with stomachaches and flatulence.  My stink bomb often got so bad as to infiltrate the entire area and I wasn’t pleasant to be around.  It tended to be worse when I was away all weekend on retreats with unlimited food where I ate non-stop and became more prone to diarrhea.  At least I did not have bulimia, but I tended to get sick with intestinal upsets and the runs when I ate all weekend.  Less obvious, I also tended to get low energy levels with brain fog and inability to concentrate effectively on mental tasks.   I tended to become less responsive and more withdrawn as my attention span waned, which made me appear more autistic.

I always need to be watchful of the amount of greasy foods I eat, since they tend to be difficult for me to digest.  Whenever I eat too much fatty foods, I get anywhere from indigestion and nausea to vomiting depending how much I eat.  There were a few instances where I throw up several hours after loading up on greasy food.  During these times, I attributed this to the food or just getting sick.  It was not until many years later that I made the connection between excessive consumption of fats and vomiting.  For example, when I was twelve I vomited a few times about six to nine hours after eating lots of popcorn with excessive amounts of butter in it.  I felt better afterwards.  When I was fourteen after consuming a huge portion of mussels dunk in lots of melted butter, I threw up within several hours.  It the time I blamed the mussels and food poisoning.  Looking back further into my childhood and my penchant for deep fried and greasy foods, I vomited much more frequently, though I did not made connections to specific instances.  Much more frequently, I tend to get indigestion and nausea from eating too much, such as eating a whole plate of fried potatoes for example.  I do not vomit from excessive carbohydrates and protein, just diarrhea.  I tended to load up most on carbohydrates.

Gradually throughout the spring and summer of 1985 my weight crept back since going off the caveman diet.  I often had felt like a failure by a lack of control over bingeing, especially during the periods of the month corresponding to my menstrual cycle.  Occasionally, I stayed on my diet well without snacking in between meals or eating extra portions until a few days at a time when I would be back to having large snacks between large meals.  Since my stomach had been used to taking in large quantities of food, extreme pangs of hunger developed with strong food cravings by the second or third day of being on much stricter control.

Whenever I did some food preparation at home it was very difficult to refrain from constant nibbling–especially while slicing or cubing bread or working with cookie dough.  I bought day-old loaves of bakery bread for Kris’ sandwiches from bakeries.  Since most of these loafs were unsliced I needed to slice them by hand which of course increased the temptation of eating a half of loaf.

To reduce the temptation of eating while making cookies, I bought packaged ones from the General Nutrition Centers.  Though I didn’t nibble as much as I would when I whipped up the cookie batter, I still had a hard time resisting the store bought varieties, especially since they were made with more wholesome ingredients.  As I opened the package to lay the cookies out I made an excuse to eat them.

I always felt better as I ate since apparently I had food addictions comparable to drug additions which lead to substance abuse.  Like people who took drugs to ease anxiety and depression, I turned to food to relieve those emotional states.  Whenever I missed my regular snack I experienced withdrawal symptoms, extreme hunger pangs, high level of anxiety, and increased fatigue.

Back since my college days whenever there were art show receptions and potlucks were food seemed limitless, I stuffed myself like crazy as though there wouldn’t be anymore to eat after the party.  This was even more inappropriate at receptions where each person generally took no more that a handful of food, especially with limited amount of refreshments.  For example, as I hovered over the snack table I gulped down about equivalent of a whole box of crackers, five ounces of cheese, and a whole pound of vegetables with dip.  It didn’t occur to me that there might not be enough to go around.

I tended to be even more out of control at potlucks where there were much more variety of dishes.  I was compulsive about trying everything that added up to about as much as two heaping platefuls.  I ate so much at each party that it was noticeable.  For example, while I attended Northern Virginia Community College when I was at the end-of-the-quarter potluck with the printmaking department, an older man who brought a seafood dish saw me going back to more and more of his casserole and asked me to stop taking so much.  I was so full and bloated that my stomach was about to burst open and wasn’t able to eat anything until the next morning.  Since I lacked confidence to socialize well I devoted less attention to other people and more to food.

I was so addicted to food that even when my stomach was very full, I could not bring myself to stop eating.  The pleasure from eating and tasting the food was very intense.  This overrode my discomfort from my bloated stomach.

There were a few occasions at exhibits, openings at art galleries and community celebrations at organizations when politely asked to refrain from over eating and that I needed to leave food left for others.  I always stopped, apologized, and walked out.  Though I lacked self-control most of the time with food, I quickly gained control once someone spoke up to me.  I didn’t want to cause trouble by not obeying.  The fear was much stronger than the desire to eat more.

At family gatherings with my in-laws for the holidays where I was expected to show my best behavior I still wasn’t able to control my excessive nibbling of the hor d’oerves.  I thought that I acted normally and was doing what everyone else was–eating.  I found out later, after a few get-togethers with the extended family, from my mother-in-law that a relative informed her of my constant nibbling and was concerned that I wasn’t leaving enough food for others.  I was surprised that anyone would notice since all the people appeared to be enjoying themselves.  Due to autism I failed to observe how others served themselves and didn’t fixate on the food.

Occasionally for Thanksgiving, we had a large family gathering with my in-laws, including Kris’ older brother, Eric and his family, and Eric’s in-laws.  It was fun being with Terry’s side of the family–parents, sister and husband with three children, and a brother and wife with a daughter.  Like my family, they came from highly educated backgrounds.  Terry’s father had invented a few things.  The most successful that was a mat cutter with a measuring device.  Terry’s sister and family gave Kris and me rides to the party except when it was at their place.