One spring day in 1983 several women including I volunteered to help set up for a big banquet which was to be held at the main cafeteria located in the center of Boeing premises.  I was assigned to help an employee from that facility to prepare lettuce.  As we worked and talked, Dani praised me for my work and gave me encouragement.  Though many of my co-workers were friendly, I didn’t feel the special connection with them as I did for Dani as we were drawn together.  She seemed very poetic and spiritual.  I began to have a vision of us becoming good friends.

Shortly after the banquet, Dani got transferred to my cafeteria was helpful for developing our friendship.  She worked by the three-compartment sink that was in the middle of the production center and was in charge of washing lettuce and other produce and helping another woman prepare vegetables for the salad bar.  By having contact with Dani regularly, we had a good opportunity of getting to know each other and become close friends.

I was more determined than ever to keep the friendship strong rather than let it peter out as I had in the past.  Part of the reason why Dani felt comfortable with me was probably that she had a challenge herself and her small granddaughter had a disability.  Dani had glaucoma in her one of her eyes that was big and obvious.  A large opaque area covered all of her one lens.  She had also experienced other hardships, such as losing her husband at a young age when their only child a son was only two years old.  She was forty when I met her.

The grandchild, who was a year and a half, was deaf though she was able to hear a tiny bit in one ear.  Her other ear was severely underdeveloped without any function due to cleft pallet.  Her face was so severely disfigured at birth that she had had surgery to improve her looks.  Her facial features still weren’t even, the upper lip higher on one side with scars, and her nose twisted to the side.  Despite all that, she was a beautiful girl.

Dani had a two-bedroom house with a one-car garage all on one level where her mother and dog lived with her.  Martha was very kind and liked me.  She was happy that Dani chose me as a good friend.  She had a small black dog that was very friendly and cute.  I began to come over their place to sleep over and to go to church with them during the summer.  On a Saturday afternoon, I went by bus to south Renton up a hill and walked a few blocks to where they lived.  I often stayed until Monday morning so I could go straight to work from there.  I came over more frequently (several times a month) during the fall and winter.  The first thing I did after saying hello was to go out for a long walk to explore their Cascade Vista neighborhood for several hours and then back by dinner time.

Dani and Martha were devout Christians who were very active in their church that was in north Kent, just south of Renton.  Whenever I visited, I went with them to church plus going to other church activities such as summer picnics and a monthly care group meeting at people’s homes for prayer and fellowship.  I was interested in learning about various religions and denominations to gain a greater perspective of where people were coming from culturally.  Some of the church members were very friendly and gave me gifts and invited me to their houses.  On Sunday afternoons after the morning church service, Dani and Martha had an open house with dinner for the congregation.

I always had some spiritual leanings as far back as I could remember.  I felt on several occasions when I was in troubling or dangerous situations that I sensed divine intervention to protect me and lead me into safety.  Whenever things were going rough, I always felt at least a glimmer of hope that things could improve.  I also sensed that even though people were not treated as equals, that some how we are created as equals.  We each have our own challenges, triumphs, and gifts and need hope, faith, love, and peace.  I was drawn to the spiritual nourishment from church.  I became very interested in growing in my faith and encourage others as they encourage me.

By getting together frequently with Dani and her friends at church, I was provided with good opportunities to sharpen my social skills that helped boost my confidence in mingling with other people.  Besides was feed spiritually by the church with emphasis on love and forgiveness for all including myself.  I became more spontaneous in conversations.  I tended to talk when something had triggered a remembrance, but it wasn’t easy for me on my own to come up with a topic that others might find interesting.  Though I made some gradual improvement, I still had a long way to go to be in the flow and rhythm of conversations.  I was on the road of forming intimate relationships, close friendships and to have boyfriends.

During the spring of 1983 when I worked for several months in food service, I began to think of ideas of careers in some technical fields–computers, electronics, or drafting.  I thought that if I got training in any of these areas at a community college, I might increase my chances of being hired by large company such as Boeing.  I could utilize my skills, creativity, and fine motor control for greater career advancement and to earn more money so I could eventually save enough for a down payment for a house.  Perhaps some day I would be able to transfer to a university for a second degree with even greater opportunities.  I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a dead-end job all my life.  I knew that I could do something that used my mind more.

I looked into programs that were offered at the North Seattle Community College, only three miles from my place.  I had caught the bus up the block from me that went to the school.  I wouldn’t need to quit my job, since I could take an evening class easily with the bus running frequently all through the evening.  I chose electronic drafting because I felt that I would do well in it with my superior drawing ability and that the field had practical applications in big companies that design systems.  Besides it had one of the shortest waiting lists to enroll–a few months compared to as long as two years for electronics engineering technology.

During the school year 1983/84 when I was twenty-six from the fall quarter through spring, I went to introductory electronics drafting class two evenings a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I enjoyed learning all of the procedures of drafting.  As I had during my college days, I wanted to try out different things here and there to explore new areas of interests that might lead to new avocations.  I didn’t think that I would ever make enough to support myself with my major skill and favorite activity, visual art.  So I contemplated and explored other areas that I thought would be practical.

By my third quarter of the first year of drafting, my interest wasn’t high enough to pursue it further.  I didn’t mind the activity, but was not very enthused with it.  Though drafting like drawing a picture involve putting lines and things on paper, it didn’t use my creativity very much and it was much more exacting.  I felt that I was just following directions to produce blueprints according to the exact specifications.  But, overall it was a good learning experience for me.  I didn’t enroll in more classes since I didn’t know what area to get training in.  Besides I was contented to stay in food service.

During the summers while I worked in Renton, following my shift, I went swimming in Lake Washington at the Gene Coulon Park.  It was about a half mile away from my cafeteria so it was an easy walk for me.  Throughout the season there were several lifeguards seated atop the high benches watching the swimmers.  Whenever it was hot and sunny, especially when school was out for the summer, there would be so many people that I barely had enough room in the swimming area by the docks to swim laps.  But, it was a lot of fun watching young ones enjoy playing in the water.  I usually went to the lake several times a week.  I changed into my swimsuit at work before I left to free up the women’s bathroom at the park.  After I swam for over an hour at a time, I walked a little bit and changed back into my clothes before I took a bus back to Seattle.

Other times of the year, I swam in the Olympic-sized pool at the Stroum Jewish Community Center in Mercer Island, a small island in Lake Washington between Seattle and Bellevue.  I had attended several festivals there that were advertised in the newspaper.  When I read about the activities, including classes, after-school programs, and support groups, I went to the Jewish Singles meetings which planned about two get-togethers a month and gave free admission to the community pool on Wednesday evenings with membership.

I joined in the spring of 1983 after the community celebration that centered around the Jewish holiday, Purim, since the annual dues was only five dollars and it seemed like such a good deal considering that many places charged a few dollars for just one swim.  A few evenings a month, if I had enough energy left by the end of the day, I went by bus and got off at an exit of the highway and walked several blocks to the center.

Besides the use of the pool that was my primary reason for joining, I participated in a few gatherings with the singles group, especially when we met at people’s homes, to go to swimming/Jacuzzi parties, and when a hike was planned.  There were other activities where people met at restaurants, theaters, and bowling alleys.  I didn’t care so much to go to these places that were less personal and cost money that I didn’t have much of.  I did go to meet them at a restaurant in Tukwila for a happy hour where complimentary hor d’oerves was served.  I didn’t realize that I was expected to order drinks to more than make up the cost of the food.  But I avoided anything alcoholic and I didn’t see the non-alcoholic options.

After I settled down in Wallingford, I became even more involved with the Mountaineers.  From the winter of 1983 through fall, I went on at least one hike every weekend, including when I was sick with a bad sore throat and cough.  I was determined to explore as much as possible to see as much as there was to see in case I moved out of state.  I had thoughts of moving back to my folks in Maryland a few years later.

When it got warmer, I went on weekend camping trips with hiking both days, car camps and backpacking about five weeks in a row and for the three-day weekend holidays when I could get more hiking.  During the evenings we gathered wood near the campground for a campfire except when prohibited or when we stayed in cabins.  The fire was especially nice when it got too dark to do anything else other than socializing which I was weak in.  Watching the flowing forms of the fire was very meditative.  I enjoyed listening to others talk.

For my brown-bag meals I packed salad vegetables with beans and rice for the first day and crackers and cashews for the subsequent days, both lunch and supper.  For breakfast I brought melons or dried fruit that packed well and didn’t require preparation prior to mealtime.  Unlike most campers, I didn’t want to bother packing and using a camp stove.  I didn’t need anything heated.  It was a lot easier to bring all ready-to-eat foods.

My mind tended to fixate so much on food that during meal times, my eyes focused on the food that other people brought.  Due to autism, I didn’t understand that this was a form of imposing on others.  They very likely thought that I was very hungry and didn’t have enough to eat.  Some of them felt sorry for me and offered me some of their snacks and even part of the main meal including sandwiches or entrees.  It didn’t occur to me why they were so generous other than when they passed something around to everyone.  I just enjoyed the handouts, sampling different foods for my insatiable appetite that was even greater than usual from a great deal of physical exertion of day hikes.

Often following a hike, we stopped in a restaurant near the trailhead on our way home for additional fellowship.  While others had their orders of snacks or desserts, I just had water and sat with them since I didn’t have money for anything on the menu.  Sometimes someone shared side dishes with me.  Once, several mountaineers on an extended weekend trip even treated me to a meal at a fast-food establishment since they probably figured that I was too poor to purchase a meal out.  I didn’t realize that it would have been better if I ordered at least a little bit of something as to avoid becoming a subject of pity.  Though I always allowed money for reimbursing the driver for gas, I should have set some aside for eating out to become better company with others.  When we ate at restaurants for all of the main meals, I brought in my own food and ate it when everyone else had his or her orders.  As part of autism, I didn’t realize that it was considered very rude to bring in food from the outside.

By the middle of the summer, following months of hiking regularly, especially after all that weekend trips, I and others who knew me noticed that I had lost weight, about fifteen to twenty pounds.  It was from burning a greater amount of calories and speeding up my metabolism with a lot of exercise from the frequent hikes which averaged about ten miles with an elevation gain of two-thousand feet a day on the weekends.  Though I had kept up with my physical fitness regimen with jogging and walking for years, it didn’t add up to the energy expanded by the weekly hikes.  When it got wetter and cooler and I signed up for fewer outings to the mountains I gained back all of my weight.

After a few years of not dating anyone, I went on a date in the spring of 1983 with a young man whom I met in the food service at Renton.  Russ (not his real name) helped out doing the dishes with a few other men.  He was about two years younger than I and had some mild autistic characteristics, pedantic speech and less developed communicative and social skills.  He was slim with a moderate build, blond hair and blue eyes.  He participated in the Special Olympics that enable those with disabilities to practice and compete in various athletic events.  He was friendly and invited me to his place for dinner after work.

Russ, like me, didn’t have a car so we went by bus to his house in Renton.  He lived with his parents and younger brothers, two of whom also had disabilities and were in the Special Olympics.  The house was up the hill in the same neighborhood as Dani and Martha.  Russ’ mother didn’t appear to cook as the kitchen was full of junk food and I was served a frozen dinner.  Even though this date wasn’t nearly as romantic as being taken out to a nice fine-dining restaurant where the food would be much better, I enjoyed going to his house to see where he lived, and best of all, to meet his family.  I left early in the evening so I would get home by bus before dark.  On another afternoon, I bumped into Russ and on the spur of the moment he took me out for dinner at Wendy’s in the Renton Center.  I had the salad bar.

Though Russ was a nice man, I felt that we didn’t have enough common interests to sustain our relationship.  We stopped dating after the second date though I enjoyed getting to know him and we remained on friendly terms at work.

Through my mid twenties I began to accept that I wasn’t cut out to eventually marry.  I had such a low image of myself that I felt that the only men that I would ever attract were those who were down and out either due to internal or external circumstances or both.  I lacked confidence in attracting a man of high caliber who succeeded in life or had high potential, like some who went on Mountaineer trips with me.  My deficits in appearance, social skills, and self confidence which were painfully obvious made it challenging for a man I would be interested in to take me as his girl friend.

As a coping mechanism, I rationalized that I was too intelligent and creative to get involved with anyone as I needed more time for my art.  Unfortunately, this is a form of copping out or running a way from the problem rather than facing it head on for a more effective solution.

After I went on several Mountaineer camping trips during the summer of 1983 where I observed how couples relate to one another, I began to develop a longing to find someone who would be right for me.  I had always enjoyed being touched or massaged, and I loved the idea of snuggling with someone close.  I envied the spontaneous effortlessness as the couples talked.  I began to realize how lonely I was at home even with attending activities and visiting friends and family.  My friendship with Dani and spending time at her place, with a greater opportunity to develop social skills, propelled me into believing that perhaps it is possible for me to have a boy friend.

My longing to find a man who was right for me got much stronger when I attended the wedding, in August of 1983, of my friend Laura who I had met at the Washington Protection and Advocacy System.  Laura met her husband at the monthly statewide advocacy meetings.  Mark lived and worked in Port Angeles, on the north coast of the Olympic Peninsula, doing advocacy.  The wedding was held in their house located in the country outside of Port Angeles.  Even though there were a lot of people, there was room for me to sleep over two nights on the floor in my sleeping bag so that I could spend a full day on the wedding day and to make the weekend out of it.  I went by Greyhound Bus on Friday evening and got a ride home on Sunday.  The wedding and barbecue meals were held outdoors in the backyard with beautiful weather.

When I sensed how the newlyweds loved each other and had a lovely contemporary style home with skylights and wood beams, I became envious and wanted the same for myself.  After attending Laura’s wedding, I began to affirm that I should find someone to marry some day.  I realized that I shouldn’t give up hope of attracting a man who would be right for me.

I was hopeful in the autumn of 1983, when my male pen pal with autism drove all the way from the Midwest to Seattle to meet me.  I heard about Dan (not his real name) through my pen pal Jean L. whom I had met at the autism conference at Boston two years earlier.  I was informed that he had a Bachelor of Science degree in mathematics and that he was interested in finding a woman to marry.  We corresponded a few times before he wanted to see me.  I wasn’t too concerned that he was fifteen years older than I.  I felt that it would be more important that there would be a mutual understanding between us with our respective backgrounds with autism.  He found my work number and called me at work one day to hear my voice before he drove west, so that he could get a better impression of me.

Though Dan didn’t have a job then, he was able to afford to stay at a motel north of Seattle and take me out to restaurants for several days.  He lived with his parents who were apparently well to do with the father being a lawyer.  Since our diets were very different–his meat and potatoes and mine vegetarian, the all-you-can-eat buffet places such as the King’s Table worked out the best.

Both Dan and I enjoyed going on drives to see the scenery so he drove us to parks on scenic routes through the farm lands and wooded areas on the way to meetings and friends’ houses.  This gave me opportunities to explore areas that were normally inaccessible without a car.  Due to autism, Dan lacked a sense to wait his turn to speak and often interrupted a group discussion, a similar problem to mine.  In addition, when invited with me to people’s homes for dinner he didn’t touch any food he was unfamiliar with.

As common in autism, Dan had great difficulty in controlling his emotions.  For example, at a Mountaineers party where I spoke to several people including other men, Dan got jealous and felt that I had deserted him.  Apparently this reflected feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.  As someone alerted me that Dan was very upset and was going to leave without me, I ran over to him to comfort and assure him that I didn’t mean to abandon him and cared for him.  He calmed down enough to take me home.

Though Dan was able to be nice and loving at times, I felt that he wasn’t a right mate for me.  His libido was too strong for me.  As much as every five to ten minutes, he kissed me with tongue touching.  Bob and Jean, who had invited him with me to dinner one evening, agreed with me and were relieved that I broke off with him.  Though I had always enjoyed affection and being touched, I felt that Dan over did it.  I didn’t like that he was also too physical and controlling.  For example, he blocked my access to extra food left on our table in a restaurant whenever we went out, though it probably was better for me to refrain from eating more food than I needed.

I was very nervous about making a decision about continuing or discontinuing our relationship.  On the one hand, if I continued to see him I wouldn’t be as lonely and he would be willing to move near me.  On the other hand, if we broke up I would have greater opportunities to find someone more compatible.  I had so much anxiety as to cause diarrhea.

What hastened my decision to break up with Dan was that he wanted way too much commitment at once.  He wanted to find an apartment for us to live together so we could see each other everyday.  There was no way that I would move in with a man that I just meet, especially without marriage.  Though I had always considered myself to be open minded and liked to try new ideas, I had always had old-fashion views of marriage and sex–no living together or sex before marriage.  I needed the freedom to go out as I pleased and be available to date other men.

Shortly after Dan left he called me to tell me that he was so heartbroken that he got thrown out of his motel from screaming and disturbing the peace.  He was suicidal since he had become very depressed from the break up of our relationship.  He went back to living with his parents in the Midwest and called me a few months later to let me know that he was hanging on in his life.  Even though he wasn’t right for me, I wished him the best.